Having a busy toddler in your life can take all your energy and patience. For first time parents, this stage can even be rather startling when they are faced with the demands of the job. Ask any seasoned parent, and they'll likely have a laundry list of memories that severely tested their ability to maintain control over their households, or at least felt that way. But this is actually a time in a child's life when they are ready to begin learning how to exert their own wishes and desires, their own control of their lives.
We've all heard of parents talking about the terrible twos and threes. This is a time during which a child wants to learn to do things on their own. We may not have patience for this, though, when we have other children to help get ready for the day, and a partner who left for work an hour ago. Scenarios like these are part of daily life. We just want to have everything done according to schedule, and in doing so, we can rob our toddlers of chances to learn that they can try new things that make a positive impact on their feelings of self agency. But how do you do this and maintain family schedules?
This takes some proactive thought, creativity, and organization. Think ahead of time about your family's schedules. Are there ways you can build in exploration time for your toddler while you're waiting for another child to get dressed? Toddlers look to those around them to learn how to complete a task, and they will learn from us, and their siblings, even when we think they're not looking, or paying attention. So practicing putting on their clothes while watching a sibling brush their teeth can be an opportunity for increased learning.
What about scheduling extra time to play with them, letting them be in charge? Let them host a little tea party, being careful not to direct them. Waiting for supper to bake in the oven? Put a chair next to the sink and let them help you rinse the dishes. You can always spray the dishes down if needed, when your toddler is off to the next adventure. Getting some weeding done in the garden? Let your child observe you and choose to help, or choose from another activity nearby during which you can watch them. There are all kinds of possibilities in the garden to show your child new bugs they haven't discovered, explain how the plant drinks water through the root system, and talk about how bees keep the ecosystem moving along through pollination.
The Montessori Method encourages this kind of learning. Creating opportunities for your child to choose from, in which they learn practical life skills. Although I haven't read the second edition, the first edition of the book Whole Child/Whole Parent, by Polly Berrien Berends is a wonderful resource for parenting in this way as well.
Learning through opportunities, to do things on their own, is the job of the toddler. Being criticized or shamed during this process teaches them to doubt their own abilities, to learn to defer to others, seeing them as more capable of making decisions for the child (and future adult). It's easy to feel, as a parent, that a little re-direction or correcting helps the child to learn how to do things properly. But what feels minor to a parent, can feel to a child that they can't be trusted to learn to rely on themselves. They may learn to doubt themselves. Consider that learning the correct way to do things for a child comes from what they witness their caretakers (and siblings) doing, and then realizing their own success when they try to manage a skill. Let them observe and try on their own. A parent's job is to provide opportunities that are safe for the child, and then to observe them to keep them safe, and then to celebrate the child's excitement when they feel they have succeeded.
Remember also, that a parent's job is teaching by example. It may sound easier than it is, though! When you're tired at the end of the day, and you snap at your spouse because managing your emotions feels especially difficult, your child is watching. When you get home from a hard day at work, and you unleash your frustration on your family, your child is watching. When you let someone else demean you, without minding your boundaries, your child is watching.
You are the teacher. Teach by modeling how to handle frustration, how to persist, how to establish boundaries, how to talk about emotions. Know what you can say in front of your child, and what needs to be said when they are not present. Even when your words are not understood, the emotional tone is. You set and maintain the emotional environment of your home, and while this may have always felt inconsequential, when children live in your home, it is a factor in their learning self agency.
This can be an exhausting time as a parent. You are creating a foundation for your child, and that means modeling the kind of adult you hope they will become. As you plan for your child's emotional needs, make sure you plan for your own. Finding support with other parents can be a really beneficial way to accomplish this, as raising children take up much of a parent's life. And if you're interested, I offer a Mom's Group for mothers of autistic children with low support needs Mom's Group.
Taking care of your family and yourself requires emotional wisdom, creative and proactive planning, flexibility, and certainly lots of love. The trajectories of the young lives in your care depend on it.
Disclaimer:
The purpose of the information on this website is to share about the services I provide to help people determine if they may be appropriate for their needs. There is no claim to guarantee, promise, or imply to diagnose, treat, cure, or provide mental or behavior healthcare. The material on the blog pages is general, and may not be appropriate for some families. It is not a substitute for individual or family mental health therapy, legal, or medical advice. Cypress Road Life Transition Counseling assumes no liability for the content or damages that may result from its use.